By Jeanette Seitrich
Take Perspective
Have you ever been overwhelmed to the point of a breakdown? If so, does it help when someone told you to “stop worrying” or “it’s not a big deal”? And, then they follow it up by asking you to do something. Most likely it did not support your de-escalation. But, instead it only intensified your anger, frustration, or sadness.
One of the most common strategies used with angry customers or clients is making them feel heard, acknowledging their feelings, and an apology. If this works well with adults, why wouldn’t it work for children who have less control of their environment and emotional regulation skills?
Often, I observe children having a tantrum and parents or teachers yelling which only perpetuates the cycle. Many meltdowns and tantrums are preventable by using the same tools we use for adults. Meltdowns are another way to say dysregulation related to sensory, emotion, or both. Acknowledging emotions helps teach the child how to label what they are feeling and increase their communication skills. Emotions are never wrong and is the reality for that person or child.
Our Response Matters for De-Escalation
When we just say “No!” to a child, we are not explaining our reasoning or taking advantage of natural teaching opportunities. Use of first-then statements helps increase their understanding of future events. “No” comes across harsh to the child and may increase the size of their reaction.
Examples of interactions that may prevent meltdowns.
- Can I have ice cream. -I love ice cream too. First dinner, then yes we can have ice cream. Would you like to help me cook dinner?
- I don’t want to brush my teeth. -It looks like you are sad. I know you don’t love brushing teeth. You can pick out our bedtime book if we brush our teeth.
- I want Doritos (but ran out) – I didn’t see any, do you want to help me look? I guess we ran out. How about crackers or an apple and you can help me get some at the store tomorrow? Does that sound like a good idea?
- I don’t like these PJs. – I’m sorry you don’t like them. Would you like to pick them out?
*remember to pick your battles. Does it really matter if their pajamas match? Do they have to wear a cotton shirt if asking for a dry-fit?
Other Reasons for a Meltdown
This doesn’t always work to prevent a meltdown, especially if they are excited or passionate about their desires. Meltdowns may also occur when a child is experiencing sensory defensiveness. Something small like a tag in a shirt or seam in a sock can feel like needles on their skin. Sirens or other sounds as well as messy hands, clothes, or face can cause great discomfort. These intense reactions activate or intensify the sympathetic nervous, which is the fight, flight, or freeze response.
De-escalation techniques to defuse meltdowns
- Don’t yell to be heard- sometimes a whisper can be helpful
- Avoid making demands – once de-escalated then come back to the demand.
- Validate their feelings not their actions. You say, “It looks like you’re frustrated”
- Don’t try to reason – they are not in a state of mind that is logical
- Be aware of your body language. Ensure you are not closed off (ie- arms crossed)
- Respect personal space – we don’t always have to hold them and it can be safer for all involved.
- Get on your child’s level – talk WITH them not down or at them.
- Use a distraction – great if behaviorally related.
- Acknowledge your child’s right for refusal – appreciate they are using communication such as “I hear that you don’t want to …”
- Reflective listening – helps them feel heard and respected
- Silence – it’s okay to give them time to process their feelings.
- Be non-judgmental – this is not an attack on us parents, but failed attempt to reason, obtain desires, or control emotions
- Answer questions and ignore verbal aggression – keep everyone safe. Focusing on verbal aggression increases everyone adrenaline.
- Movement break. – allow movement and heavy work activities paired with other sensory calming techniques.
- Avoid the word “No” – come across harsh and increase adrenaline.
- Decrease stimulation – decrease sound (turn off tv), decrease lights, remove clutter. Moving rooms to calmer space.
- Deep breathing exercises – breathe with them and produce modeling. If they are young put your hand on their chest so they can feel you breathing.
- Calming visuals
These are all great strategies. But as a mom of four, I know that it is much easier said than done. We have to be mindful of our own emotional state as it is very difficult to regulate our children when we are not. We are not perfect, and yes we have our breaking points, but we can provide learning opportunities and help our kids understand everyone is human and make mistakes, it’s okay to apologize, and it’s all about learning strategies for the future.
If you need any specific guidance for de-escalation, please contact us today. We are here for you!