Do you ever wish you had a crystal ball that told you if your child or student was going to live a successful life? I know I pray and hope everyday that I am setting the stage for my own children and clients to become fulfilled adults. While there are so many aspects of their future that are out of our hands, we can take many steps to set that stage from an early age by encouraging self-determination and self advocacy.
Oftentimes, we talk on this blog and in therapy sessions about developing specific skills necessary for success. However, this blog is going to guide you in facilitating your child’s self-determination and self-advocacy skills.
We’re Seeing an Alarming Trend
Working in special education for more than a decade and being a mom, I have witnessed an alarming trend. Adults take advantage of a child’s desire to have their own autonomy. We step in too quickly to help, guide, and facilitate. There is not recognition of the process or the struggle. We focus on the end goal instead of focusing on the learning and growing of a child. Because of this, children are not developing self awareness or skills to advocate for themselves.
What Exactly is Self-Advocacy
Self-Advocacy is defined as “the action of representing oneself or one’s views or interests.” It can also be described as self-empowerment. It has two parts…
- Self Determination: Awareness of your emotions, desires, and needs.
- Self Advocacy: Communicate your emotions, desires and needs
Helicoptering Limits Self-Advocacy
As parents and teachers, we have all had moments of hovering over our kids too closely. We love our children and we want to facilitate their success. We also feel their pain when they struggle. But, when we do this all the time, our kids do not have the opportunity to build the skills necessary for adulthood. They cannot identify what they truly feel, desire and need. Children do not know what support they need to be successful. They also haven’t had the opportunity to practice speaking to others about those needs or feelings. Self determination and self advocacy are skills that have to be practiced to be mastered. Discomfort and struggle can lead to amazing self discovery.
How to Encourage Self Determination and Self Advocacy
1. Recognize the Early Attempts
From an early age, children are exploring their own independence. The “terrible twos” are simply a period of behavior that stems from a child learning that they want to have a say but not having all the words to empower them to have that say. Now, I am definitely not saying, young children should have the freedom to dictate all aspects of their lives. I believe strongly that boundaries and guidelines provide healthy parameters for children. But, I think we can stop and listen to our child’s desires. It is so important that we validate their feelings and we empathize with them.
2. Validate and empathize with feelings
It is so important to let your child feel. When we take away their feelings we are taking away their opportunity to understand more about themselves and situations. We are taking away their autonomy as an individual to have unique feelings. Feelings can sometimes be scary and confusing so it is our job to help them know that they can be safe in a feeling. For Example- Your child is sad that they didn’t get invited to a party. Help them to feel loved and comforted in that sadness.
3. Celebrate your child’s interests
It is easy to teach our children to love our interests. It goes even further when you can embrace your child’s interests and invite your child to teach you about their interests. Some of my favorite conversations with my children are when they are teaching me something new that they discovered.
4. Normalize Unique Needs
We all have unique needs. One of my children loves being loud in the morning and the other child loves it to be quiet and calm in the morning. Both of these things are okay. We make sure they know that they both have preferences- encouraging them to identify their unique needs and then respectfully moving to a part of the house where they can meet these needs. This can apply in the classroom as well. Some children are embarrassed that they need modifications or accommodations. The more we emphasize that everyone needs some sort of modifications and accommodations in certain aspects of life, the less likely they are to mask.
5. Allow time and space for your child to express their ideas.
Instead of stepping in quickly, allow your child or student to have time to process and express their own ideas of doing things. I am always shocked at the amazing things children come up with when I allow space and time for their minds to think through situations.
6. Practice with little moments
Allow your child to order meals for themselves at restaurants, talk with their doctor about their bodies at appointments, email teachers when leaving school early. All of these small opportunities will build confidence for the bigger opportunities for advocacy.
7. Role Play
Sometimes children freeze in moments of pressure. Role play how to appropriately advocate in specific upcoming situations. This will give them specific words to use when in the moment.
Self-Determination and Self-Advocacy are skills that need to be taught and practiced. If you have concerns about your child’s ability to determine their needs and feelings and express those, please contact us!